I had taken the decision that I should conduct an in-depth self-discovery process, and be ready to accept and embrace whatever I find. But at some level, I was not yet ready to accept the weaker side of me. That sound had been kept shushed for too long, denied of its natural right of being an acknowledged part of me and taking part in the decisions I make. I always gave a much higher priority to the sound of reason, sound of strength. My needy weak part had become the most under-developed piece of me. It had been silenced for too long, and was struggling to see the light. I tried to run away from hearing it, I set a hundred drums to bang loudly in my head in order to cover that faint sound that was hurting me like hell. I had to keep myself busy. I had a full schedule for everyday of my life; early morning jogging, gym or aerobics, then work, then either getting back to the club (as if I were preparing for the Olympics :P), or outings, or going for whatever is in El-Sakia. And as if that was not enough, I was searching hard for new cultural and sport activities wherever one could be found. Of course it wasn't all just to escape! I loved those things and enjoyed them so much. I also wanted to undergo new experiences. I was looking for stimulants externally, but too scared of looking inside. The activities themselves were not really an obstacle for personal development, but the rate I was going at just did not give me a moment to sit myself down and listen to my inner voice, it did not give me a moment to contemplate about a single thing that was going on in my life, just one large hysterical joy ride that I never wanted to end.
Then it all started happening, the strange condition that forced me to sit down and see it all; face to face and look it right in the eye. I did not have much choice but to finally do it. There was nowhere else to look, nothing else to do and nowhere to run anymore. I had that notion that the nightmare won't be over until I realized my lesson and fully grasped it. Not only did I have to face my then existing weakness, but also there was a complete downfall that I had to accept and acknowledge. Things that were almost part of my identity and self image were slipping through my fingers. The ideas of 'the active girl' and the 'independent girl' had to sink to the back of my head since it was not possible anymore if I want the nightmare to be over. Before that the simplest things used to make my day and make me forget any problems; a nice walk in the chilly wind, going jogging during sunset, with greens and roses to my right and adored water beneath, or a night out playing pump it up in Magic Galaxy :P. All the physical activities that used to be my sedatives were gone now and I finally had to sit down and operate at a deeper level, seeking real remedies.
I keep dreaming of the day I'd finally start restoring my life back. I wish I could just close my eyes and find it all behind me. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep till that day or make the time fly by using a magic stick. But then I wouldn't be learning anything, no pain no gain they say. And although I get the notion I'd almost learned my lesson and that it's about time that it all goes away, but what do I know? May be that's not what this is all about. May be it's just a side-lesson and I am not yet grasping the main one. May be the purpose had not been fulfilled yet. What I know I should do now is make a vow never to try to escape again; neither now nor when I get my life back. And until that day comes I have to keep struggling using whatever I still haven't lost.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Life's Journey
Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others.
It is because we are different that each of us is special.
Do not set your goals by what other people deem important.
Only you know what is best for you.
Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.
Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future.
By living your life one day at a time, you live all of the days of your life.
Do not give up when you still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other.
Do not be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love.
The fastest way to lose love is too hold it too tightly.
In addition, the best way to keep love is to give it wings
Do not dismiss your dreams.
To be without dreams is to be without hope.
To be without hope is to be without purpose.
Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been,
but also where you are going.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.
Copied From http://www.storybin.com/words/words118.shtml
It is because we are different that each of us is special.
Do not set your goals by what other people deem important.
Only you know what is best for you.
Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.
Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future.
By living your life one day at a time, you live all of the days of your life.
Do not give up when you still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other.
Do not be afraid to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love.
The fastest way to lose love is too hold it too tightly.
In addition, the best way to keep love is to give it wings
Do not dismiss your dreams.
To be without dreams is to be without hope.
To be without hope is to be without purpose.
Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been,
but also where you are going.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.
Copied From http://www.storybin.com/words/words118.shtml
Confusing me, Confusing you!
I think what I've been trying to do is accelerate my life learning experience. Then I found myself undergoing all these dramatic changes, leading me to move from one side of the spectrum to the totally opposite side in such a short time, leading to all this confusion. I tried to learn from others' experiences. I tried to change my lane in life by watching others' paths and seeing where it had taken them and deciding on where I want to be. I didn't want my moment of clarity to come when I am in my dying bed, only to realize then that I should've taken a different path in life.
During my journey of trying to achieve balance I've been flipped to an extreme opposite. I spent and still spend an effort to re-adjust people's ideas about me to make them closer to who I believe I really am. Back in the past I had to slow down at some points and try to explain I wasn't all that tough like assumed. I had to make the point that it wasn't all about goals and success to me, and that I actually cared, but didn't quite express it. When I look back and compare it with the present it either makes me laugh, or makes me feel I am a complete psycho (depending on the mood I'm in). I have since then defied every rule I previously had for 'protecting' and shielding myself. I searched for the most fragile part in me and just put it out there. I got so attached to the people and fully expressed it. I said and showed how much I cared and how much I needed them. I looked for my inner child and gave her room for self-expression. I gave myself the freedom of acting impulsively. I felt finally liberated. I do not regret any of it. I feel I truly did the right thing for my self-development, but I might have gone to an extreme during that process. It had led to such funny outcomes.
I have gone so so soo far from the one I was known to be. I have gone from being emotionally distant from my own feelings to becoming in a state of full awareness and admission of my every feeling passing by, and not the slightest intention of masking or hiding it. I ended up spending too much time there in my core, exploring every detail, till I became lost in my emotions for a while. I was changed from being what they call 'the parent' character and I became the jumpy kid. I say I do not regret it, but I admit that things have got out of hands at some points. Now I needed to talk the people into believing that despite what is showing, there is actually a wise, mature person inside, and they're like.. Yeah right. I try to explain that everyone has an inner child, the only difference is that mine is exposed at the surface, at my own will, but the message never gets through.
I was occasionally talking to one of my college instructors recently, who had witnessed my totally 'very ambitious, goal-oriented' days, he was asking if I'd become a team leader or a project manager yet. He said he thinks it should've happened by now, for someone who is so success-driven like me. I just told him that I realized at some point I wanted to have a life just as much and he got what I meant. The thing is, that conversation was in such contrast to what my senior was telling me the other day, that he feels I am not so keen on advancing in my career and that I needed to become more ambitious. The problem is that neither of them is right. I realized that I lie somewhere more to the middle of both. Likewise, I recall a friend's opinion of me, never failing to make me see how she thinks how heartless I am, and I compare it with the opinions of anyone who'd known me only in the past two years, thinking I am too emotional. It was pointless trying to adjust my friend's opinion. I also failed at making the statement of "I can be strong too" for the people only exposed to the emotional side of me.
During my journey of trying to achieve balance I've been flipped to an extreme opposite. I spent and still spend an effort to re-adjust people's ideas about me to make them closer to who I believe I really am. Back in the past I had to slow down at some points and try to explain I wasn't all that tough like assumed. I had to make the point that it wasn't all about goals and success to me, and that I actually cared, but didn't quite express it. When I look back and compare it with the present it either makes me laugh, or makes me feel I am a complete psycho (depending on the mood I'm in). I have since then defied every rule I previously had for 'protecting' and shielding myself. I searched for the most fragile part in me and just put it out there. I got so attached to the people and fully expressed it. I said and showed how much I cared and how much I needed them. I looked for my inner child and gave her room for self-expression. I gave myself the freedom of acting impulsively. I felt finally liberated. I do not regret any of it. I feel I truly did the right thing for my self-development, but I might have gone to an extreme during that process. It had led to such funny outcomes.
I have gone so so soo far from the one I was known to be. I have gone from being emotionally distant from my own feelings to becoming in a state of full awareness and admission of my every feeling passing by, and not the slightest intention of masking or hiding it. I ended up spending too much time there in my core, exploring every detail, till I became lost in my emotions for a while. I was changed from being what they call 'the parent' character and I became the jumpy kid. I say I do not regret it, but I admit that things have got out of hands at some points. Now I needed to talk the people into believing that despite what is showing, there is actually a wise, mature person inside, and they're like.. Yeah right. I try to explain that everyone has an inner child, the only difference is that mine is exposed at the surface, at my own will, but the message never gets through.
I was occasionally talking to one of my college instructors recently, who had witnessed my totally 'very ambitious, goal-oriented' days, he was asking if I'd become a team leader or a project manager yet. He said he thinks it should've happened by now, for someone who is so success-driven like me. I just told him that I realized at some point I wanted to have a life just as much and he got what I meant. The thing is, that conversation was in such contrast to what my senior was telling me the other day, that he feels I am not so keen on advancing in my career and that I needed to become more ambitious. The problem is that neither of them is right. I realized that I lie somewhere more to the middle of both. Likewise, I recall a friend's opinion of me, never failing to make me see how she thinks how heartless I am, and I compare it with the opinions of anyone who'd known me only in the past two years, thinking I am too emotional. It was pointless trying to adjust my friend's opinion. I also failed at making the statement of "I can be strong too" for the people only exposed to the emotional side of me.
Change
A question that consumes a considerable amount of my thinking power every now and then is what defines a person. To what extent is one responsible for his previous acts, even if he'd undergone lots of changes since the time he'd committed them. I do not only mean it in the negative sense of someone's wrong doings, when the answer to that could be seeing that he'd totally quit the wrong act for instance and start acting positively. But what about the other way around. When things start going down the curve, till when should the person's previous acts of kindness still count for instance? At which point do you decide that a person does not deserve to be treated based on his previous acts; whether good or bad? When do you stop giving them credit "for the old times' sake"? Is it fair to cut all threads at some fateful moment, no matter how hurt you got then? Or should you just keep going "for the old times' sake", even when those times have become such remote ancient history you feel disconnected from?
Some wise person tells you that “As you reflect and make decisions about your future, never forget that the you who embarks on any life change will not be the person to reap its benefits or woes when the process is complete.” This itself has been one of my major worries in two different aspects. The first one is people close to me changing, till I feel I do not know the person anymore, feeling that this close person had become a stranger now, with all the confusing feelings of which basis one should deal with that person on. The second one is myself changing. Although this is actually something I am constantly seeking, trying to change myself to the better, it brings along some challenging aspects. I had always honored one's consistency. I placed much value on one keeping his word, never changing one's mind and being all the way responsible for your previous decisions and choices. I probably considered it all an act of decency, chivalry and nobility. It took me a big deal of struggle to just realize how it was practically impossible to remain so consistent. Not only was it impossible, but it wasn't even the right thing to do in the first place. It took me so much self-struggle to convince myself it was actually okay to change your mind about things, having seen new aspects for the situation. But it is taking me much more struggle and self-questioning to let myself say "I know I was/said/did that, but I was a different person back then."
Some wise person tells you that “As you reflect and make decisions about your future, never forget that the you who embarks on any life change will not be the person to reap its benefits or woes when the process is complete.” This itself has been one of my major worries in two different aspects. The first one is people close to me changing, till I feel I do not know the person anymore, feeling that this close person had become a stranger now, with all the confusing feelings of which basis one should deal with that person on. The second one is myself changing. Although this is actually something I am constantly seeking, trying to change myself to the better, it brings along some challenging aspects. I had always honored one's consistency. I placed much value on one keeping his word, never changing one's mind and being all the way responsible for your previous decisions and choices. I probably considered it all an act of decency, chivalry and nobility. It took me a big deal of struggle to just realize how it was practically impossible to remain so consistent. Not only was it impossible, but it wasn't even the right thing to do in the first place. It took me so much self-struggle to convince myself it was actually okay to change your mind about things, having seen new aspects for the situation. But it is taking me much more struggle and self-questioning to let myself say "I know I was/said/did that, but I was a different person back then."
The Girl in the Iceberg: Loss
I remember, back due the end of 2004 when I decided I needed to do something about it all. One of the main things I needed to work on was mellowing down my self-sufficient independent attitude; I felt it wasn't really who I am, it wasn't originating from my core, but rather from an external shell created for self-protection. I hated weakness. I feared people's loss. I so feared being attached to people then getting separated from them. Instead of savoring every moment spent with the people I cared for I was so keen on making sure I am a fully operating unit on my own.. somehow. I was entangled in my fears. I did not realize for a while what I was missing out on or how it was hurting the people around me. I had just started realizing that, when a phase of starting to see my worst nightmares coming true began. Besides the natural expected step of getting separated from the college people, I lost someone very special. All the distance I was at did not make losing her feel any less painful. All the distance I was at from all the people close to me and her did not make my feeling their pain any less. Loss hurt all the same, even when you had been trying to avoid its bitterness all your life.
The Story So Far...
I have decided to embark on a new journey of discovering myself and the world. I'd started my last journey during my last year of college, feeling that the personality exposed to the world, and may be my own perception of myself is not truly who I am. I have come a long way from where I had started my previous journey. I have learned a lot from it, advanced in so many ways. But there has been some negative aspects to it too, which I should now analyze and start working on adjusting, without losing the positive points achieved, in my life-long dream of trying to achieve balance.
A glimpse of myself back then would be the dignified strong girl always on the move, goal oriented, very ambitious, quite independent, having a bright red aura. But somehow it wasn't all quite real. It wasn't the only truth at least.
A glimpse of myself back then would be the dignified strong girl always on the move, goal oriented, very ambitious, quite independent, having a bright red aura. But somehow it wasn't all quite real. It wasn't the only truth at least.
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