Weakness * And Plantar Fasciitis :) *

I had taken the decision that I should conduct an in-depth self-discovery process, and be ready to accept and embrace whatever I find. But at some level, I was not yet ready to accept the weaker side of me. That sound had been kept shushed for too long, denied of its natural right of being an acknowledged part of me and taking part in the decisions I make. I always gave a much higher priority to the sound of reason, sound of strength. My needy weak part had become the most under-developed piece of me. It had been silenced for too long, and was struggling to see the light. I tried to run away from hearing it, I set a hundred drums to bang loudly in my head in order to cover that faint sound that was hurting me like hell. I had to keep myself busy. I had a full schedule for everyday of my life; early morning jogging, gym or aerobics, then work, then either getting back to the club (as if I were preparing for the Olympics :P), or outings, or going for whatever is in El-Sakia. And as if that was not enough, I was searching hard for new cultural and sport activities wherever one could be found. Of course it wasn't all just to escape! I loved those things and enjoyed them so much. I also wanted to undergo new experiences. I was looking for stimulants externally, but too scared of looking inside. The activities themselves were not really an obstacle for personal development, but the rate I was going at just did not give me a moment to sit myself down and listen to my inner voice, it did not give me a moment to contemplate about a single thing that was going on in my life, just one large hysterical joy ride that I never wanted to end.

Then it all started happening, the strange condition that forced me to sit down and see it all; face to face and look it right in the eye. I did not have much choice but to finally do it. There was nowhere else to look, nothing else to do and nowhere to run anymore. I had that notion that the nightmare won't be over until I realized my lesson and fully grasped it. Not only did I have to face my then existing weakness, but also there was a complete downfall that I had to accept and acknowledge. Things that were almost part of my identity and self image were slipping through my fingers. The ideas of 'the active girl' and the 'independent girl' had to sink to the back of my head since it was not possible anymore if I want the nightmare to be over. Before that the simplest things used to make my day and make me forget any problems; a nice walk in the chilly wind, going jogging during sunset, with greens and roses to my right and adored water beneath, or a night out playing pump it up in Magic Galaxy :P. All the physical activities that used to be my sedatives were gone now and I finally had to sit down and operate at a deeper level, seeking real remedies.

I keep dreaming of the day I'd finally start restoring my life back. I wish I could just close my eyes and find it all behind me. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep till that day or make the time fly by using a magic stick. But then I wouldn't be learning anything, no pain no gain they say. And although I get the notion I'd almost learned my lesson and that it's about time that it all goes away, but what do I know? May be that's not what this is all about. May be it's just a side-lesson and I am not yet grasping the main one. May be the purpose had not been fulfilled yet. What I know I should do now is make a vow never to try to escape again; neither now nor when I get my life back. And until that day comes I have to keep struggling using whatever I still haven't lost.