Confusing me, Confusing you!

I think what I've been trying to do is accelerate my life learning experience. Then I found myself undergoing all these dramatic changes, leading me to move from one side of the spectrum to the totally opposite side in such a short time, leading to all this confusion. I tried to learn from others' experiences. I tried to change my lane in life by watching others' paths and seeing where it had taken them and deciding on where I want to be. I didn't want my moment of clarity to come when I am in my dying bed, only to realize then that I should've taken a different path in life.

During my journey of trying to achieve balance I've been flipped to an extreme opposite. I spent and still spend an effort to re-adjust people's ideas about me to make them closer to who I believe I really am. Back in the past I had to slow down at some points and try to explain I wasn't all that tough like assumed. I had to make the point that it wasn't all about goals and success to me, and that I actually cared, but didn't quite express it. When I look back and compare it with the present it either makes me laugh, or makes me feel I am a complete psycho (depending on the mood I'm in). I have since then defied every rule I previously had for 'protecting' and shielding myself. I searched for the most fragile part in me and just put it out there. I got so attached to the people and fully expressed it. I said and showed how much I cared and how much I needed them. I looked for my inner child and gave her room for self-expression. I gave myself the freedom of acting impulsively. I felt finally liberated. I do not regret any of it. I feel I truly did the right thing for my self-development, but I might have gone to an extreme during that process. It had led to such funny outcomes.

I have gone so so soo far from the one I was known to be. I have gone from being emotionally distant from my own feelings to becoming in a state of full awareness and admission of my every feeling passing by, and not the slightest intention of masking or hiding it. I ended up spending too much time there in my core, exploring every detail, till I became lost in my emotions for a while. I was changed from being what they call 'the parent' character and I became the jumpy kid. I say I do not regret it, but I admit that things have got out of hands at some points. Now I needed to talk the people into believing that despite what is showing, there is actually a wise, mature person inside, and they're like.. Yeah right. I try to explain that everyone has an inner child, the only difference is that mine is exposed at the surface, at my own will, but the message never gets through.

I was occasionally talking to one of my college instructors recently, who had witnessed my totally 'very ambitious, goal-oriented' days, he was asking if I'd become a team leader or a project manager yet. He said he thinks it should've happened by now, for someone who is so success-driven like me. I just told him that I realized at some point I wanted to have a life just as much and he got what I meant. The thing is, that conversation was in such contrast to what my senior was telling me the other day, that he feels I am not so keen on advancing in my career and that I needed to become more ambitious. The problem is that neither of them is right. I realized that I lie somewhere more to the middle of both. Likewise, I recall a friend's opinion of me, never failing to make me see how she thinks how heartless I am, and I compare it with the opinions of anyone who'd known me only in the past two years, thinking I am too emotional. It was pointless trying to adjust my friend's opinion. I also failed at making the statement of "I can be strong too" for the people only exposed to the emotional side of me.